Unshakeable Faith

Funny that this is the current series we are going through at church: Unshakeable Faith. The series began on the Sunday morning following our doctor’s appointment on Thursday, March 27, where we were told that we had lost our baby, Reagan. It was simply the hardest news I’ve ever had to receive and the toughest test of my faith in my walk with Christ thus far. God has shown himself in so many situations in my life in just the past 8 years of choosing to following Him daily.

I began walking intimately with Christ while Super Dad and I were separated. As I was looking to fill a void left by Super Dad’s leaving, I was able to find true, unconditional love in Christ. My dedicated relationship with Him began in July 2000. My faith was new, but it continued to grow as I saw God’s presence in my life and in the hearts of my children. Jesus talks about the faith of a child and it amazing how my children have shown me more about faith than anyone ever could.

When Super Dad & I were separated, I remember being in the bathroom with 4 year old Prince W, waiting for him to finish brushing his teeth for bed. As I waited and he finished up, he said, “Mommy, I know that you and Drama Queen don’t like Daddy anymore … but I’m going to keep praying for him.” Ok,” I told him, “You do what you think you need to do.” He looked at me again and started making circular motions around his heart with his little hand, “You see, Jesus is trying to get into Daddy’s heart, but the devil is circling him and won’t let Jesus in.” I was in shock at his knowledge of Christ already, but proud of His faith in our Lord. He continued to pray and within months Super Dad and I were able to restore our marriage … all because of the unshakeable faith of a child.

Our most recent test of faith began with a simple statement from our (then) 3 year old, Princess JF. She began telling us in October ’07 that I was going to have two babies. I kept telling her that we weren’t having ANY more babies and that we most definitely would not be having twins! But, come January, we found out we were pregnant with baby #5! She was right all along. I remember asking her how she knew we were going to have a baby. She was simply delighted in the fact that the baby was coming. When we found out we lost the baby, Princess JF was actually the only other person with me that day at the doctor. When we left, I held her in the van and cried as she prayed. She told our older kids about the baby because I could not say the words. Every time she sees my crying, she gathers the whole family, asks everyone to hold hands, and prays not only for me and for our baby, but for the family as a whole. Her faith in God and her understanding in how He is present in every situation, no matter how small, teaches me how I should trust in Him as well. Just last week I remembered something … Princess JF said I would have two babies … one boy and one girl. Now, we have not yet been told Reagan’s gender, the test results won’t be back for several weeks, and I’m not sure I want to know at this time, but I realized that Jaden knew we would have TWO babies. I told her would weren’t having any more at all … but Reagan proved me wrong already. Now, as Super Dad & I are still praying about trying for another … Princess JF’s faith tells me that we still have one more baby coming from Jesus. Her faith is unshakeable.

Finally, even the smallest person can make a difference in the lives of others. Reagan, although never seen or felt outside my womb, has impacted my life in the biggest way. We know that faith in Christ is not an easy path, and that it is truly more about the destination than the journey. I had to choose from the very beginning of the situation to continue to put my faith in Christ. I could not question His plan for Reagan, I could only accept that my baby was too beautiful for earth and was needed much more in Heaven. I was completely devastated with the loss and it is the most heart breaking experience I myself have gone through. But, my faith in Christ is what helps me continue to walk through my grief, to continue to hold on, and to know that I will get to the other side of my pain. I can feel God’s presence surrounding me in those quiet times when I am focused on my baby I will never see. As others ask “Why your baby? Why not the undeserving pregnant mothers who do drugs or beat their children?” I reply, “I have no right to ask those questions. My faith alone keeps me from questioning God's plan for Reagan. I simply pray for comfort daily and rest in knowing that I will one day be reunited with my baby.” Reagan has taught me that God is my “Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Without Him, there’s no way I could walk through this journey. My angel baby has already shown purpose to my life and those around me … losing Reagan has shown me that my faith is strong and can not be shaken … even by death. I live only for God, completely trust in Him for my life, and will continue to pick up my cross and follow Him daily. Reagan has shown me that my faith is unshakeable.

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” - James 1:12

April 2, 2008

First of all I need to mention that we decided to name our angel "Reagan". We had only tossed around a few names and this was one that Drama Queen & I liked, and when I looked up the meaning this week I found that it meant "little king/queen" or "royalty" ... and that’s what our baby is in Heaven.

Every mother has a birth plan as she prepares for her child’s welcome into this world. Home birth? Hospital? Natural birth? Epidural? Hubby? Doula? Doctor? Midwife? Music? Quiet? Lamaze? Massage? The options are endless really, as long as mom and the baby are safe with the decisions. But, as we entered the hospital on Wednesday, April 2, it was nothing like what I had planned for Reagan’s birth in September. I was escorted to a room where I was given my IV and asked to wait. Super Dad and I watched TV quietly as we waited for the next hour and a half. We talked only a moment as I cried about the upcoming procedure. I knew that in a few hours my baby would no longer be dwelling within me. I’d no longer be "connected" to my baby ... and the reality of the situation was setting in.

Around 12:30pm they came in to check all my vital signs and get me ready to go to the operating room. My nurse came in with the anesthesiologist and told Super Dad that the Dr would come talk to him soon ... it shouldn’t take long. I was given a dose of medicine through my IV and they wheeled me down the halls. Twisting and turning I can remember looking at the lights and noticing them getting blurry as we progressed through the winding corridors. We entered into the OR and I remember seeing another nurse preparing the tools and such. I was wheeled in and my arms were outstretched onto two boards and I lay there as Jesus hung crucified on the cross for me. They put a mask on me and told me to take a deep breath ... and I awoke two hours later in the recovery room.

I remember opening my eyes to an oxygen mask and a nurse saying my name. I looked around to find a clock and see the time. I couldn’t believe I had been out for two hours. I had absolutely no recollection of anything in the operating room. Once I was finally able to see my hubby again I cried knowing my baby was really gone at this point … I would be leaving the hospital with only pain and medicines. It seemed very surreal. It still does. I am still in a bit of shock from the whole ordeal ... but I realize I must go on and live for the 4 awesome children I can hold everyday. God has blessed me with an amazing family.

Thanks to each of you that have sent messages of simple prayer and thoughts. I can’t say that the pain has eased, but with each day I feel the comfort of the Lord even more.

Mother’s Intuition

(Reposted from our MySpace blog):

Ya know, in all the times in my life when I was right ... I was praying that I would be wrong at least this once. When I left for the doctor on Thursday morning, March 27, I simply put on our MySpace that we were "praying all went well." Why? Because I had an awful feeling something was wrong. So, as I try to get through this (and I’m "writing my feelings down" in hopes of trying to work through my own grieving process) ... I’ll explain the events of the day.

My doctor’s appointment was at 11:30am, and I went with the hope that the doctor would relinquish my fears and that I could continue on with this pregnancy with a new sense of relief. My fears began on Thursday, March 13 when I went to bed. I laid down and instantly felt really sick. I sat up, ran to the bathroom, came back to lay down, and spent the rest of the night up holding my stomach. I have never, in all 4 of the other pregnancies, felt this kind of nausea. My body felt warm and it was just "not right" to me. The next day I got online looking for "miscarriage" symptoms, but none listed extreme nausea as a sign ... so I tried to dismiss my worries. The nausea would repeat itself at various times over the next week or so. I also noticed that I wasn’t showing as much as when I was pregnant with the little princesses ... but dismissed that to the "wishful thinking" that I was carrying a boy. Other than that, everything was normal.

So, when I got to the doctor on Thursday, the first thing he did was feel for the uterus to check for growth. I asked him if it was growing and he said it felt as it should, and I simply told him I was relieved to hear that at least because I didn’t feel as though I was growing as with the last two. Next, he got out the doppler and began searching for a fetal heartbeat ... all he found was mine. He kept moving the doppler around, feeling the uterus, changing directions, pushing harder, anything to find the baby’s heartbeat ... but he found nothing. As I laid there, I knew in my heart that my worst fear was about to be confirmed. I prayed as I laid there waiting for him to bring in the sonogram machine ... "please, God, let there be a heartbeat". Tears streamed down my face as soon as I saw the first sonogram image ... I’ve had enough sonograms to know what they should look like ... and it was painfully obvious that there was no apparent heart beating in the baby’s chest. The picture of my baby laying there motionless is forever burned into my memory. Everytime I close my eyes I can still see it as though it were right in front of me.

The doctor began measuring the baby, without saying a word. I watched and noticed the measurements were putting the baby two weeks behind where we were in the pregnancy. The baby stopped growing two weeks ago ... around the same time the nausea began. Finally, the doctor spoke, "We have a problem." I simply said, " I know, there’s no heartbeat." He pushed around on my stomach to try and stimulate the baby, but there was still no movement, no heartbeat. He tried repeatedly to find some small glimmer of hope within the chest cavity, but I knew it wasn’t there. As I sat up in tears, he simply hugged me and tried to console me ... and poor Princess JF, the only one I had with me, had no idea how to comprehend what had just taken place in front of her. I called her over and held her tight as the doctor explained the next steps to me. I could either experience the miscarriage "naturally" (which I am praying doesn’t happen because I don’t think I could handle it right now) or I could have a D&C. The D&C is scheduled for this Wednesday(4/2) at noon. Afterwards, the baby will be sent to the pathology lab to try and determine why it died. Hopefully, we can get some sort of closure just knowing "why?"

The past two days have gone by in slow motion. I can’t eat, sleep, or simply function as a normal person. My days are filled with heartache and tears ... I know nothing else right now. I find comfort not only in knowing that God is in control and will care for my baby until we are reunited in heaven, but also in my husband, my kids, and my family. I have no idea how to deal with these emotions and have never felt pain like this in my life. I’ve lost people close to me before, but nothing can relate to the loss of a child. It doesn’t matter to me that I have never held this baby in my arms ... it’s still my baby. I saw it moving around with a normal heartbeat at our first appointment. I’ve seen the baby alive within me.

Superdad says that no one else within our home can know the pain I feel since I am the only one that has had the real opportunity to bond with it. It was not yet big enough to be felt or seen from outside my stomach. But, the kids still mourn. Their tears simply bring me more pain. Princess JL is too young to understand, and Princess JF tells people that our baby had no heartbeat and went home to Jesus. But, she still keeps asking when it’s going to come out. She was SO looking forward to this baby ... more than the other 3. Funny, I’ve tried for the past 2 weeks to try and look pregnant, instead of just chubby ... but now I’d give anything to hide my "baby bump." I simply don’t want people touching my belly or asking me questions ... if they can’t tell I’m pregnant, they won’t ask about it. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to crawl up in bed and stay there for a while ... surrounded only by my family. I need them to hold me and let me know that it’s going to be ok. At this point, I know I have 4 amazing kids already, but this baby meant no less to me than one of them ... and I have to grieve for it. I needed my mom to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault ... I didn’t do anything wrong. I needed her to tell me I had to eat and had to quit starving myself. I needed to hold my dad and cry with him as he shed tears for the grandchild he too would never see on earth.

My emotions are all over the place. I’m confused, sad, filled with guilt, anything but angry. I assured my hubby that I had no anger towards God as I mentioned to him that I could not attend church this Sunday (3/31). I still pray daily ... asking for comfort, peace, understanding. I understand that God sometimes takes home those babies that may have a more than challenging life here on earth (the doctor mentioned that there may have been some abnormality in the formation of the baby’s head) and will care for the baby until we arrive. So, please simply pray with us as we go through this process. I’ve read a few articles on pregnancy loss and I know myself enough to know that the pain and the sadness will forever be with me ... but I will get through this with God’s help. He has already shown Himself in so many situations in our lives ... I know he’ll be present even more as we walk through this time.