April 2, 2008

First of all I need to mention that we decided to name our angel "Reagan". We had only tossed around a few names and this was one that Drama Queen & I liked, and when I looked up the meaning this week I found that it meant "little king/queen" or "royalty" ... and that’s what our baby is in Heaven.

Every mother has a birth plan as she prepares for her child’s welcome into this world. Home birth? Hospital? Natural birth? Epidural? Hubby? Doula? Doctor? Midwife? Music? Quiet? Lamaze? Massage? The options are endless really, as long as mom and the baby are safe with the decisions. But, as we entered the hospital on Wednesday, April 2, it was nothing like what I had planned for Reagan’s birth in September. I was escorted to a room where I was given my IV and asked to wait. Super Dad and I watched TV quietly as we waited for the next hour and a half. We talked only a moment as I cried about the upcoming procedure. I knew that in a few hours my baby would no longer be dwelling within me. I’d no longer be "connected" to my baby ... and the reality of the situation was setting in.

Around 12:30pm they came in to check all my vital signs and get me ready to go to the operating room. My nurse came in with the anesthesiologist and told Super Dad that the Dr would come talk to him soon ... it shouldn’t take long. I was given a dose of medicine through my IV and they wheeled me down the halls. Twisting and turning I can remember looking at the lights and noticing them getting blurry as we progressed through the winding corridors. We entered into the OR and I remember seeing another nurse preparing the tools and such. I was wheeled in and my arms were outstretched onto two boards and I lay there as Jesus hung crucified on the cross for me. They put a mask on me and told me to take a deep breath ... and I awoke two hours later in the recovery room.

I remember opening my eyes to an oxygen mask and a nurse saying my name. I looked around to find a clock and see the time. I couldn’t believe I had been out for two hours. I had absolutely no recollection of anything in the operating room. Once I was finally able to see my hubby again I cried knowing my baby was really gone at this point … I would be leaving the hospital with only pain and medicines. It seemed very surreal. It still does. I am still in a bit of shock from the whole ordeal ... but I realize I must go on and live for the 4 awesome children I can hold everyday. God has blessed me with an amazing family.

Thanks to each of you that have sent messages of simple prayer and thoughts. I can’t say that the pain has eased, but with each day I feel the comfort of the Lord even more.